It’s More Than “No Means No”- What Consent Really Looks Like
By Kaitlyn Traber
On the surface consent is a rather simple concept- we practice it within daily life like asking to take someone’s picture, asking if someone would like to go for a walk, amongst other common scenarios. So when the phrase no means no is said it feels straight forward. Of course no means no! However, what this phrase fails to account for is the not so straight forward nature of human interaction- consent is layered and “no means no” doesn't encompass the many different scenarios in which consent is required, and how that should be navigated. Under this simplification components like body language and intoxication is not considered as it should be, amongst other variables. Stay with me though, consent doesn’t have to be complicated! It just needs to be understood, and that makes it a whole lot easier.
So let’s start basic-what is consent? Consent is described as agreeing to do something, or to allow someone to do something. Before you engage in sexuality activity, you must ensure it is not only okay, but wanted-that is where consent comes in. No one is entitled to having sexual contact with you unless you want that.
Sex can be tricky to navigate, especially if you are new to it. Figuring out what you like, what you don’t like, exploring your partner/s preferences, maintaining healthy boundaries, gaining more comfortability with sexual activity and your partner/s, all of that. That is why the consent aspect should be especially clear. To make things less foggy, there are 5 requirements to mentally check off to ensure proper consent is given and received:
Consent is not just a quick check in yes or no-followed by advancement into multiple different sexual acts. It is ongoing communication, communicated both non-verbally (things like eye contact, open body language, reciprocation of physical contact) and also verbal conformation of agreeance.
When it comes down to it, it’s all about respecting each other’s bodies and boundaries. Ensuring sexual activity is consensual shows care, the goal of practicing it is to reduce the likelihood of causing harm to others and to experience mutual pleasure.
So when things start to heat up, how do you ask for consent while maintaining the mood? Here are a few examples:
“is this okay?”
“do you like that?”
“I think it’s hot when we ——-- can we do that?”
“do you want me to take it slow?”
“do you want to have sex"?
“do you want to makeout?”
It is also important that intentions are made clear, agreeing to anything other than “do you want to have sex” is not agreeing to sex. If someone agrees to “go back to your place” or to “hangout” they are agreeing to going back to your place or hanging out, not to sex, even if the phrase is used to imply sexual invitation. It is important to ask directly to avoid miscommunications, and to remember that anyone can change their mind at anytime in which sexual activity should be stopped.
Now that we’ve covered what consent is, and looks like, let’s talk about what isn’t consent. A general rule to always adhere to is that is not to be assumed or implied. So here is what consent is NOT-
Lack of resistance. A person is not required to say no or resist for it to be sexual misconduct.
What someone is wearing
Silence or not responding. The absence of a no is not a yes.
Coercion, convincing someone into a yes is not consent.
Being or having been in a relationship with the other party does not constitute consent.
Incapacitation. If someone lacks the capacity to understand a situation, they cannot give sexual consent. This means if they are disoriented, helpless, asleep, or unconscious for any reason- including if they consumed alcohol or drugs voluntarily, they cannot consent.
Education about sexual health and consent are necessary. Many sex offenders lack sexual health education, showing it to be a harm reduction tool. How can we reduce the number of traumatizing sexual experiences that occur, and promote positive healthy sexual relationships if people aren’t being taught how? In a 2023 report by a charity called LetsStopAids, research found that “young Canadians are not happy about the quality of sexual education and leave the classroom feeling awkward, unprepared and scared to have sex”, as well as feel that “sex ed gave an abundance of scientific information but was severely lacking in practical knowledge or skills.”
Sexual relationships are a part of life, and preferably young people would be taught comprehensive sexual education early on that includes applicable knowledge to real life scenarios. When it isn’t taught people rely on porn, social media and other forms of media to inform their understanding of sexuality. These methods are often very far from true representation and can glorify harmful or violent interactions. Canadian sexual assault statistics reflect this,
1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
60% of sexual abuse/assault victims are under the age of 17
15% of sexual assault victims are boys under 16
As shown, sexual assault is widespread making it important that consent is taught young. It is crucial to combat sexual violence by promoting sexual education. Knowledge empowers better decision making, and a cohesive society that respects personal boundaries is one that promotes bodily autonomy.
What now?
It is my hope that we collectively push past the uncomfortability that may come with discussing sexual health for the sake of the positive outcomes that follow when sexual health is accurately and informatively discussed. Education about consent increases young kids ability to identify and tell an adult if they are being touched inapporpriately, can help individuals devlop and maintain clear sexual boundaries and reduce harm done onto others. Lack of knowledge about consent on the other hand, impacts people negatively across the board. Individuals may be more likely to commit sexual offences and/or be more likely to be victimized-not preferable outcomes. At the end of the day, the nuances of this topic cannot be covered by a simple “no means no”. Let us normalize having open, informative discussions and encourage participation in sexual education as the outcomes are only beneficial for everyone.
