It’s More Than “No Means No:” What Consent Really Looks Like

Sexual Health

Apr 23

Original by Kaitlyn Traber

Updated by Megan Plumtree

On the surface consent is a rather simple concept — we practice it within daily life like asking to take someone’s picture, asking if someone would like to go for a walk, amongst other common scenarios. So when the phrase “no means no” is said it feels straight forward. Of course no means no!

However, what this phrase fails to account for is the not so straight forward nature of human interaction. Consent is layered and, “no means no” doesn't encompass the many different scenarios in which consent is required, and how that should be navigated. Within this simplification, components like body language, power dynamics, and intoxication are not considered as they should be, among other variables.

Stay with me though—consent doesn’t have to be complicated. It just needs to be understood, and that makes it a whole lot easier.

So let’s start basic-what is consent? Consent is described as agreeing to do something, or to allow someone to do something. Before you engage in sexuality activity, you must ensure it is not only okay, but wanted-that is where consent comes in. No one is entitled to having sexual contact with you unless you want that.

Sex can be tricky to navigate, especially if you are new to it. Figuring out what you like, what you don’t like, exploring your partner/s preferences, maintaining healthy boundaries, gaining more comfortability with sexual activity and your partner/s, all of that. That is why the consent aspect should be especially clear. To make things less foggy, there are 5 requirements to mentally check off to ensure proper consent is given and received:

What is Consent?

So let’s start basic — what is consent? Consent is described as agreeing to do something, or to allow someone to do something. Before you engage in sexual activity, you must ensure it is not only okay, but wanted — that is where consent comes in. No one is entitled to having sexual contact with you unless you want that.

Sex can be tricky to navigate, especially if you are new to it. Figuring out what you like, what you don’t like, exploring your partner(s)’ preferences, maintaining healthy boundaries, and gaining comfort with sexual activity — all of that takes time. That is why the consent aspect should be especially clear.

Consent as Ongoing Communication

Consent is not just a quick “yes” followed by moving into multiple different sexual acts. It is ongoing communication.

It can be communicated:

Verbally (clear agreement, check-ins)
Non-verbally (eye contact, open body language, reciprocation)

But the key is that it remainsclear and mutual throughout. Checking in doesn’t interrupt the moment, but helps both people stay connected and comfortable.

Consent, Pleasure, and Mutual Desire

When we only talk about consent in terms of avoiding harm, we miss a big part of the picture: pleasure.

Consent is also about making sure that everyone involved is:

Enjoying what’s happening
Feeling safe and respected
Able to express what they want

When consent is present, people are more likely to relax, communicate openly, and actually enjoy the experience. In this way, consent isn’t just a boundary—it’s what allows mutual pleasure to exist.

Consent as Negotiation

Consent can also be understood as a form of ongoing negotiation.

This doesn’t mean something formal—it simply means:

Asking what someone likes
Sharing what you like
Adjusting based on feedback
Respecting boundaries as they come up

Instead of assuming, people are actively creating an experience together.

Asking for Consent (Without “Ruining the Mood”)

So when things start to heat up, how do you ask for consent while maintaining the mood? Here are a few examples:

“Is this okay?”
“Do you like that?”
“I think it’s hot when we ___—can we do that?”
“Do you want me to take it slow?”
“Do you want to have sex?”
“Do you want to make out?”

These kinds of questions can actually build trust and anticipation, rather than take away from the moment.

Being Clear About Intentions

It is also important that intentions are made clear. Agreeing to anything other than “do you want to have sex?” is not agreeing to sex.

If someone agrees to:

“go back to your place”
“hang out”

they are agreeing to that…and nothing more. Even if those phrases are sometimes used to imply sex, they are not consent.

It is important to ask directly to avoid miscommunication, and to remember that anyone can change their mind at any time. If that happens, sexual activity should be stopped.

What Consent Is NOT

Now that we’ve covered what consent is, and looks like, let’s talk about what isn’t consent. A general rule to always adhere to is that is not to be assumed or implied. So here is what consent is NOT-

Lack of resistance. A person is not required to say no or resist for it to be sexual misconduct.
What someone is wearing
Silence or not responding. The absence of a no is not a yes.
Coercion, convincing someone into a yes is not consent.
Being or having been in a relationship with the other party does not constitute consent.
Incapacitation.If someone lacks the capacity to understand a situation, they cannot give sexual consent. This means if they are disoriented, helpless, asleep, or unconscious for any reason- including if they consumed alcohol or drugs voluntarily, they cannot consent.

Why Consent Education Matters

Education about sexual health and consent is necessary. Many people are not taught how to navigate these situations in real life. In a 2023 report by a charity called LetsStopAids, research found that “young Canadians are not happy about the quality of sexual education and leave the classroom feeling awkward, unprepared and scared to have sex”, as well as feel that “sex ed gave an abundance of scientific information but was severely lacking in practical knowledge or skills.”

Canadian sexual assault statistics reflect the impact:

1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
60% of sexual abuse/assault victims are under the age of 17
15% of sexual assault victims are boys under 16As shown, sexual assault is widespread, making it important that consent is taught early.

Sexual relationships are a part of life, and preferably young people would be taught comprehensive sexual education early on that includes applicable knowledge to real life scenarios. When it isn’t taught people rely on porn, social media and other forms of media to inform their understanding of sexuality.

It is crucial to combat sexual violence by promoting sexual education. Knowledge empowers better decision making, and a cohesive society that respects personal boundaries is one that promotes bodily autonomy.

What now?

It is my hope that we collectively push past the discomfort that can come with discussing sexual health, for the sake of the positive outcomes that follow when it is discussed openly and accurately.

Education about consent: